The Diet of Worms

I want to talk about holes. The kind one digs in the ground. In the last week and a half I have dug 8 holes--all of them Tree-Sized, which means they are about 24"-36" across and anywhere from 18"-30" deep. The Tree-Sized holes are intended for trees. Pictures do not do these holes justice, but here is the first one:
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It LOOKS tiny (that's what she said) and shallow-- but it is not! And it took about an hour to dig it. Why? Why would I dig for an hour when I could be hammering for an hour? For a special tree, of course! My husband's anniversary present (from me): a Golden Chain Tree. I am planting it by the front gate so it can be a beacon! A beacon of love and homeness and Happy-Arrival-Time! We're Home! We're Here!
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​I also dug a hole for the Golden Chain Tree's friend, Weeping Plum:
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At least this picture has some kind of scale--that's a full sized garden shovel there on the ground. 

I had a plan! I had a dream! I knew exactly what I wanted (two trees) and where I wanted them (by the front gate) and now I had dug the holes. Pioneer Woman am I!

Two days later when I came back to do the planting, this is what the holes looked like:

Before I continue, I'd like to talk about Holes. There are a lot of holes out there, some more famous than the other:
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Holes

Since time immemorial people have been digging holes...I know that's a little dramatic, but it's true! Or I assume it to be true... Clearly there is no way of really knowing BUT if I were one of the first people ever to walk the earth, all upright with my thumbs and everything, I would dig a hole. Here's my thought process a zillion years ago: "I'm hungry. There is a scary unknown forest over there--maybe there is food inside! On second thought, I'll just scrap away a few layers of this stuff I'm standing on..." Not bad, right? This is how I've managed to stay around so long.

Here's a quick list of some of the more common holes:

Common Holes

BLACK HOLE

DONUT HOLE

GOLF HOLE

SINKHOLE

BLOWHOLE

WORMHOLE

PEEPHOLE

KNOTHOLE

BUTTONHOLE

POTHOLE

MANHOLE

PIGEONHOLE

​And my favorite: 

ANATOLE (FRANCE) (he's a poet)
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Famous Holes

Guatemala City Sinkhole: It KILLED people.

Mirny Diamond Mine  of Serbia--Must've killed hundreds if not thousands of people.

Pebble Beach Hole Number Seven (It's a big deal...)

Bingham Canyon Mine, Utah---Largest man-made hole in the world?

I do enjoy getting a fresh perspective on things. My holes are neither common nor famous (and as I type this, that feels like a good thing.) My holes have not yet killed anybody--that's always a plus. And none of my holes are located so close to the Pacific Ocean that the wind will whip your golf balls away...Although, I suppose it is possible considering the ocean's only about 50 miles off.

But my holes are killers of dreams and the wind of disappointment blows and swirls around my tear-stained face.

​No, not really. I just keep going.

Back to My Holes

Filled with water!! Both of them!! Almost to the top! Epic letdown!

If you're missing the point, the flooded holes means the ground is saturated with water and doesn't drain (and days later this was still true.)

But this is where I want to plant my trees--what to do, what to do...

Even though I claim a general lack of outdoorsiness, I did work in a plant nursery for 3 years and have a working knowledge of plants and what to do with them and how to trouble shoot. So, I understood my options fairly quickly, the labor these options required, and, most crucially, that in the long run, this location was not going to be a good match for these trees. 

So I decided to do some tests. I walked the front of the property looking for possible "Beacon/Homeness/Happy-Arrival-Time" locations. I dug one test hole on the other side of the main gate about 12" across and 6" deep before it filled completely with water. And it wasn't even raining! I could see the water flowing out of the tiny fissures in the clay soil! I tried again about 12 feet away in a location that seemed to be different--but it wasn't. Dirt out, water in.

Hole No. 3

Hole No. 4

I looked to the east, down the southern property line, and then I looked to the west...the land was all at the same level. Add that to the drainage gulch running along the main road--there was no way the trees were going to do well anywhere I initially wanted them. Not unless I brought in a few truck loads of dirt and made some sort of mound for them.

My Beacon of Golden Chains--dead, as they say, in the water.
 
I remembered that there were several already existing--and unexplainable-- mounds near-ish to the front gate--just not on the road. My husband claimed one of them was an old pile of gravel that had never been utilized and had simply been absorbed into the landscape. He guessed that it would be too rocky. The other mound, he assumed, must be the same, only it had been around a lot longer and may be usable. 
 
So, I went from one mound--rocky but an ok possibility--to the other which was better than ok, it was great soil, great drainage--but there was only room for one tree and I didn't want them split up--they had become accustomed to one another. I figured if they were going to make it through the winter they would need the warmth of arbor friendship and, I assume, storytelling.. 

Hole No. 5

Hole No. 7 (Is Hole No. 7 upside-down?) 

Hole No. 6

The Good Mound

For the record, by now I was bitter.

Picture it: I'm BITTER. And tired. BITTER AND TIRED.

I was trying to be all spiritual fit about the holes but I wasn't. As I said to a friend of mine later, somewhere between Holes 3 and 7 I was a changed woman. A woman who suddenly wanted a hot drink, and indoor bathroom and a soft bed. I had to shrug it off.

So, I went a different route and tried the Northern side of the property where the land starts to slope upward. 

Hole No. 8

Hole No. 8 filling up with water.

This is when the yelling started. My husband is a curious man, and likes to know how I'm doing and if I need assistance. I guess what I needed was someone to yell at. I tried to be cool--"This hole is good" (It's not) "I can make it work." (I can't) "I'll just need some gravel" (Like a half ton). As his questions persisted about the soundness of the location I told him to fuck off and get off my back. I can't answer every question in the world, now can I? Why doesn't he just go back to whatever he was doing and leave me alone? I'm fine and I'm going to make this work no matter what because I am not digging one. more. hole.

Next time! The exciting conclusion to "The Diet of Worms"!