Tigers and Time

I smell bad. At least, I think I smell bad. It's not the worst thing that ever happened to me.

​Or is it....?

I have the most amazing life--one I never thought I'd have. For some reason though (can you say "alcoholism"?) I constantly feel like either there is something missing or that I am unsafe. These anxieties can easily be reworded: I constantly feel like I am not going to get what I want or that someone is going to take what I have. This is a basic definition of fear.  At least, a certain kind of fear.

I have the privilege sometimes of accompanying other women on their trek to get sober. Fear is a big concept in alcoholism and addiction and most alcoholics and addicts are not quite aware that they make mostly fear-based decisions constantly. It is easier to blame other people for one's misery than to admit to having fear. Why? Who knows! But how about this: fear describes a larger picture--one that can be interpreted as weakness and vulnerability. Humans do not care for this--it threatens one's ability to survive. Survival instincts are crucial and still have functional relevance today--but, because we of the Western world typically do not live in little tribal clusters or nomadic herds, most survival instincts have become distorted, misdirected and misinterpreted. And the result of that distortion, misdirection and misinterpretation is fear. 

For me, this directly relates to childhood trauma.

I have two close girlfriends here in Portland. We are all, surprisingly, similar in age, have similar sobriety time and have had similar  quantities of childhood trauma. Today, this trauma is not by which we choose to navigate our lives--but the residue of abuse feels almost indelible. Even though all three of us are living lives that provide us with safety,  the fear of harm has not just faded away. To change how we feel and how we behave we have (individually, of course) had to do a lot of work. Swimming to the surface after a lifetime of suffocation is a long journey. Differentiating between the true trauma and it's real impact vs. the self-perpetuated misery because of the trauma can be one of the hardest tasks. Self-awareness, like everything else, is layered and parental betrayal runs deep. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may seem a bit trendy at the moment (like a lot of psychological diagnoses at different times)--but it is a real thing to those who truly have it--and treatment can be vastly rewarding. Being upset about something is not PTSD. Being upset for a long time is not PTSD. Resentment is not PTSD. Anger is not PTSD. Being traumatized does not automatically give you PTSD. My understanding of PTSD, which is limited to my own experience and exposure to therapies and literature, is innately characterized by the inability to differentiate between the situational present and the traumatic past. And by that I mean: What Happened Before doesn't feel like it has faded into the past like all of the other memories one accumulates in a lifetime --it feels like it is happening right now. It IS happening right now! The severity of this syndrome is revealed in the degree of the mind's, the spirit's and the body's "miscalculation" of time and place.

I remember watching a movie a long time ago, The Legend of Bagger Vance (it was okay). At one point, standing in the wooded area of a golf course, someone says to someone else (re: a horrible event): "But that happened 25 years ago!" and the someone's response was; "No, actually.....it just happened." When I heard this, without knowing why, I burst into tears.

Now, I know why.

There doesn't seem to be any Post-Happiness Rememberance Disorder. Or...is there?

Tyger, Tyger burning bright...There is good fear and bad fear. (Never trust anyone, by the way, who ever starts an argument with "There are two types of things, this one and that one..." They are always wrong. Also, never trust anyone who categorizes things into groups of "good' and "bad"--they are always wrong, also.) There are two types of fear, good fear and bad fear. The good fear is what I call the "Tiger Fear". Tiger Fear utilizes instinct and intuition in real time to alert the mind and body that something is amiss. Danger is present. It is extremely important to remain loyal to these messages--they are a  birthright. How many people do you know that have walked into the strangest of situations with horrible consequences because they didn't listen to these "inklings"? How many of these people said later, "I knew something was wrong..."? I know plenty. 

When one is drinking, one loses touch with this elemental language. It's worth getting sober just to hear it again!

---

The other fear is learned--it is based on experience. Almost no one wants to get burned twice--and coping skills are developed to both mitigate the chance of harm and/or to self-sooth after the harm has occurred. Most folk's coping skills were developed when they were children, and, big surprise, they do not remain effective into adulthood. More interestingly still, most people--and I include myself in this group-- never develop new coping strategies for a changed personality with a new life. Or--and I don't include myself in this group anymore--they will carve out a life to suit the coping skills and keep them relevant.

Ah, people! How noble in reason!

Tiger Fear and Learned Fear. Those are them, those are the fears I know about. I am constantly on the lookout for both. The Tiger Fear is there to save my ass and the learned fear is there to kick it. The Tiger Fear tells me when to run and the Learned Fear tells me where I need to go: usually through something. (Unless, of course, my goal is to battle the tiger--and I mean the actual tiger, not the metaphorical tiger--and I'm not really into that.)

I am trying to remember how this relates to my poor floor making skills and my still uninstalled attic stairs.

​I do remember this connection though: I am a horrible judge of when I smell bad.

$50,000 Diagram

I learned something once about trauma and crisis. This diagram, which I have so artfully recreated from memory, was used by a professor of mine to illustrate human response to crises. She used the events of September 11th as a model because, well, it was 2001 when I was in this particular class. 

I will explain this further at another time if I don't forget. I am exhausted.